tic toc tic toc

im considering removing my name from my profile so people will never know this is me.... then i could say whatever about whoever, whenever and use code names. it's a brilliant plan. i wonder how long before someone finds this new secret little blog of mine hehe. i could have some fun in here......the word fun is open to interpretation too. my sick twisted definitions of fun could involve severe temper tantrums, emo-sexual analysis of my life and then downright idiotic rambling that im reknowned and loved for. whatever it may be it is mine. if this blog remains uncovered for a while i think people who eventually stumble across it might hardly believe their eyes. "surely this isn't sam.... this isn't her style of writing.... this couldn't be a side i've never seen?"..... ooooh but it could. i was upstairs reading a book i got for christmas today and i swear i have a stalker. this book is like a replica of the last 12 months of my life, its SURREAL! in any case while i was reading i was contemplating the concept of comfort zones. i quite freely walk around my house doing and saying just about ne thing i please. i am so within my comfort zone with the three other people under this roof that i am 100% myself to every extent. im beginning to feel a closeness with friends of mine that never used to be there lately. a comfort zone where i can be mroe myself. it's only one or two friends but it's really cool that we are becoming a mini little family. ive also noticed how much more laid back with my bf i am. you would think after a year in a relationship with him i would have dropped a few guards and i think in the last few weeks i have. Ive felt myself shed a few skins with people and finally be in a more relaxed and comfortable place. i did a big clean up of my room this week and tossed a bunch of shit ive been holding onto for years. it feels like ive let go of a phase of my life and i feel like im starting to grow up again and move into a new more mature and well rounded phase. i find myself overcoming all the desperate searching and needing and utter confusion of adolescence and im finally happy in my own skin. whilst im bored sitting around at home by myself, im not unhappy and craving the attention of another person. im content in my own company and equally content in the company of all the people in my life. i used to segregate people into levels of importance and issue them with a certain amount of time, interest, affection etc. but now it seems much more evenly weighted. whilst naturally their will always be a heirarchy of important people and some will hold more significance than others i think ive finally reached a stage where i can chill and prioritise rationally and integrate my lifestyle with the lifestyles of everyone i want in my life. it's a good feeling. in fact for the hell of it to give myself a little self esteem boost im gonna list all the things in my life that make me happy- music first and formost has pulled me through this year on levels that people can't, my bf has been the light of my life this year and even tho relationship problems have caused me some of my darkest moments this year we persevered and came out the other side all the better, i cant wait to share thousands more moments with him, my best friend micky- he has stuck by my side through every single thing this year, he jumped straight in to replace the loss of leesa, he was the first to know when something was wrong, first to help me with ne thing i needed often without even needing to be asked and never abandoned me, judged me or thought ne less of me for ne thing i did no matter how stupid it was, my family- as much as they shit me up the wall they have been there when i needed them, ive distanced myself from my family a lot this year but when it comes to the crunch they are never ever gonna let me down, they know me well enough to predict everything i do and know exactly whats wrong with me before i open my mouth, my dogs- they are the cutest sweetest fluffiest most comforting creatures on earth, they are my living teddy bears that come to the rescue whenever i need them, they cant speak but i know what they would say and they cant understand my words but they know what im saying, graduating this year has made me a new person, i have never experienced so many emotions, so many tyrannous hurdles needed to be overcame and built and shaped me into a person who i think i like, my car was the key to my freedom and taught me to look after myself in many areas of life, and finally my dancing- the classes i do, the beautiful children i teach, it bring a certain joy to my life and fills me with a kind of passion and love that im so grateful for. the fun times i have had with my students and the new things ive learnt, challenged myself with and extended myself with and talents that i couldnt be more proud of, i hope with all my heart that i have a long life of dancing ahead of me, it is my ultimate means of self expression. i love my life. i cant wait to share it with you all xoxox