A clean slate

After many failed attempts to alter the design and details of this blog I have conceded defeat. It's been many years since I started blogging here so its time for a clean slate. To anyone who might occasionally take a glance at my thoughts might I redirect you to my latest publications at http://thoughtcloudsofoneladybug.blogspot.com

Peace out xx

It's the most wonderful time of the year....etc

The 1st of December is fast approaching and I'm jumping in line to see Santa! It seems as though each year I get a little more pre-mature with my festive cheer and this year is no exception! After a whirlwind couple of months I've managed to survive the onslaught of five subjects at uni whilst also managing the construction of what is sure to be the greatest Christmas present yet....my new house!!

So now I've gone and enrolled myself in summer school, inflicting copious amounts of insufferable hours focusing on the biomechanics of human movement and tolerating a "university lecturer" who's most overused phrase is "sort of like, ya know" (I never thought there would be a more annoying presentational habit than the dispersal of "umm" every five seconds....I was wrong!). Aaaaanyways, to keep my mind off that and to keep my procrastinating skills at an elite level I've beat the crazy rush and stocked up on lovely festive decorations. This year I'm following, what I've termed, the "Candy Christmas" theme; loading up on lime, purple, fuchsia and cyan baubles, tinsel and candy shaped decorations (I even bought matching Christmas wrap so that the presents beneath the yet to be erected tree coordinate!). My very first Christmas in my beautiful new house will be exceptionally stylish and wonderful!.

Staying with all things bright and sparkling, this weather sucks! (Can segue!) After a delightfully sunny taste of summer I was all set to don the summer glow and float about the pool in my new $5 lilo. Yet this week has been grey, cold and miserable.......untiiiil NOW!......or just then, when I said now. My rainbow gumboots and polka dot umbrella have brightened the streets and put a smile on many faces in this poopy weather. I urge everyone to relive the juvenile days of splashing through puddles and twirling umbrellas! I have caught myself out bearing the cheesiest of grins despite the potential misery this weather has the tendency to bestow. Don't be grey! Give the finger to mother nature and fight back with a smile and some weatherproof attire; polka dots optional, bright colours a must!

In other news, the girl needs glasses. The use of modern technology such as blogging has become a formidable past time with our poor eyes suffering more and more each day. The self/work/uni/technology inflicted eye strain will resolve if I walk away from the 21st century but until that time I choose to sexify my face with some Alex Perry frames! Yay! Stay tuned for facial imagery!

Most excited for the weekend! Rainy with a chance of baby showers!! My beautiful, Buddha bellied friend is celebrating the "yay your almost born" day of her lovely little girl-foetus and I can't wait go give her tummy a cuddle! I also get to meet my new cat! Due to unforeseen circumstances I have acquired a 3 yr old ginger whom I've affectionately renamed "Mr Meowgi the karate cat" (not to suggest his former name "Ginger" was any less endearing albeit creative). If he scratches my new lounges however, I'll karate kick his face......I probably won't, but I'll be mad!

Aww bless

Once upon a time I was a little adolescent technophobe.

Reading over archived blogs from 2006 was possibly the highlight of my evening. Alongside arguing with my bf about the controversial purchase of a pet pig. What started as a joke ended on a shamefully sobering note. In short, I'm not getting a pig.

I could be studying for a test right now, or preparing some farcical uniform for a joke of a unit that has the audacity to deem itself worthy of my time. Didnt realise poor sportsmanship and lack of classroom control was something I'm expected to promote as a teacher.

I suppose it would be advisable to take this week somewhat seriously considering 6 assessments are due and my reputable transcript is at stake. Hrmm...blogging is fun. I might work on re-establishing my technological groove and delight people in somewhat interesting anecdotes that extend beyond the mundane brainfarts of my red licorice induced apathy towards anything that isnt red licorice. That was a long sentence. Until next time ...

Dang

I just gave away my identity :p

Floating

God im so happy. I just had the best day ever. I spent the day with my bf and at dancing and now i can't wipe the glow off my face. i dont really have much to write but i just needed to get this feeling down in words so the next time i need happy thoughts i have something that will perk me up straight away. i painted a picture for Dave. It's not magnificent but i'm pretty proud of the way it came out and he liked it too which was a lovely start to the day. We went on our first ever proper little date today lol. We went to a chinese restaraunt for lunch and even tho we didn't attempt to add an ounce of class to our lunchtime etiquette it still felt really sweet and in a way kind of grown up.... not ur typical teenage going to the movies or hanging out shenanigans lol. i dunno if other couples go out much.... i dont imagine many of my mates spend a lot of one on one time with their partners actually going out places, it tends to be more of a group thing, but Dave and I have decided to start saving a bit of cash here and there to spend days out and about together. We shall explore the world lol. We spent the arvo being immature and giving each other endless amounts of shit through a game of trivial persuit (which i crashed and burned miserably in) it was heaps of fun tho, even just because it was something different. Dancing tonight was awesome as well. Everyone was happy, we had donuts, i found out im actually a grade higher than what i originally though (go me) and everything was laid back and fun without any stress of exam work whatsoever. I can't say it's the best place i could be dancing but it's good practice throughout the year to keep me in shape for the dance course next year. i feel like my life is heading somewhere again. I kind of hit a stand still for a while but now things are up and running again, dave and i are both looking for new work, im starting uni, dancing seems to be running smoothly again, friends are getting in contact wanting to catch up, my relationship feels as though its just blossoming at the moment (its a great feeling), my finances are becoming healthier and im finding new hobbies and interests to pass the time. I know this profound feeling is only temporary and something stupid in the next few days will prolly even trample it but for now im beaming and making plans for the future. They r bright and i really hope they come to fruition.

The only thing worse than not knowing...

is you thinking that i don't know. gaaah im going quietly crazy. Fallout Boy have a very good point to be made in 7 Minutes in Heaven..... i don't do too well on my own.

Now back to the task at hand...

Back to work today. It's the biggest thrill of my life sitting behind this desk. I get to look at paper, move folders around, use stamps, fight with the computer, use the phone...i can't understand what half the patients are saying but its communication with the outside world....i find myself holding back from enquiring "so what are you doing today? wanna come down to the waiting room and have a coffee?". Yes my job is without a doubt the adrenaline rush of a lifetime.

Actually that's a lie.

My job doesn't exactly work in with my New Year resolution so i have been making ammendments to my resume and preparing to get out there and do the job hunt for a second means of income. Considering im only in the surgery one day a week theres no real point quitting, im part of the family down here almost coz ive worked for the same boss in three different jobs since i was 14. I dont mind staying on once a week, plus she gives me extra work when i need fast cash.

I find out my uni offers on Wednesday. Im pretty nervous. If i don't get into my course I'm gonna be pretty much devastated. I just hope either way i have someone to celebrate with or mourn with when the fateful day arrives. No doubt the evening will be full of msn *bleep bleep* "so how many offers did u get?". A pretty daunting thought if i dont get what i want.

Im sposed to be going out tonight i just realised. Man! Like i wanna do that! I've been so lethargic and anti social lately. I actually looked forward to coming to work today just to get out of the house and be around people and hopefully put myself in a better mood than i've been in of late. Yet i soon pointed out to myself that it wasn't going to happen as i snubbed the first patient who was, in retrospect, probably trying to assist me and make my morning a little less complicated. He wasn't to know i was having a complex over the computer and was ready to throw a chair at it. I swear the number of different codes, passwords and forever changing data procedures on this machine is enough to keep me suitably clueless every Saturday.

I constantly get asked "are you new here?" (not because i'm hopeless but because i'm only here one day a week), to which i reply "no, i've actually been here 2 years....(but im much better looking than you remember)" however, on the long stressful days i grin and humour their theory saying "yeah you'll just have to bear with me" and then proceed to take my sweet arse time with everything. On the other hand if i am in a mood similar to that of today's and the patient insists they have never seen me before i feel like questioning how often they come down with ameobic dysentry and whether they plan to make our Saturday morning dates a common occurrence. Seriously, it's not that shocking if their is a new secretary since your last visit. Maybe that means your healthy. I'd be concerned if the patients were my chum bums.....it would indicate to me that maybe they are going to die soon.

I've had too much time off. I'm struggling to remember how to do things. I had such a sweet handle on it before. I kicked arse. Now i'm poo....but no one here has to know that, i just blame the machine :p "sorry one moment the computer doesn't want to co operate......(where the fuck is the billing tab.....hrmm that could be it......nope) .....haha don't you just hate technology sometimes".

I think my evil sarcastic attitude is where my sense of humour hides. Reading over this blog i've had quite the little gigle at myself. That's pretty tragic i know (or "trag" as my 50 something year old boss likes to say) but you know what? I've never cared whether i make you laugh ne way, i amuse myself for the sake of my own sanity...and fulfillment of life...and ...shit. Anyways whatev! You did it with an alsation!

My shoes are hurting my feet and a patient just walked out backwards looking at me really weird....psycho. Diseased folk are a worry. Gah gross! Last mouthful of tea was stone cold as well...gotta hate that. I shall return to this blog momentarily, the boss requires a refill of coffee....addict. *Brief waiting period- cue classical music- or in this case the musical delights of today fm- Bon Jovi yesssssss* Ok i'm back. Sorry for putting you through that agony.

Things are so quiet on a Saturday morning. I guess I should use the time to file crap but seriously, i put things away when they arrive, i don't stick it in a folder for someone else to do so i don't see how it should be up to me to put it all away. Then again technically i'm their "junior" which is bollocks coz im 18 but they are all 50 something so i guess they dont see it the same way i do.

This blog is turning into a running commentary of my morning. As an aside my literacy skills are becoming appalling. Once there was a time that i could spell any word you threw at me. But now I make the most common and ridiculous spelling and grammatical errors! I feel so gay! I need to go back to an educational institute and do some real work. I feel like its been a long time since i sat down and did some real writing and produced an item of sophistication and flair. Keeping these blogs is keeping my brain active in that area though and whilst its all fairly colloquial and casual, i like to create pieces that other people will reap some enjoyment from also. Not so much in these entries coz i write whatever the fuck i want knowing i can for the time being until people find these posts. That's when the entertaining begins again.

I wouldn't mind a job in journalism or some form of media communication. I often feel as though my opinions of things im interested....well actually i more or less only feel this way about my opinion of music...... i think i have good taste. Everyone used to come to me in highschool for the gig guide and for musical reccomendations and the other musos at school used to have those elite musical criticism debates with me- you know the ones that only someone who supposedly knew what they were talking about was worthy of taking part in.

I find the musos i affiliate with these days have a somewhat higher opinion of their own musical knowledge and my opinions whilst appreciated to a certain degree are generally treated as.... an outsiders opinion?..... that's prolly not the best way to describe but what i mean is because i don't play an instrument...well a cool instrument..... i can't fully appreciate all aspects of the music. I'm a dancer AND an instrumentalist of the finer more classical variety. I have no choice but to know my shit otherwise i'd pretty much suck at both. I can't dance without knowing which rhythm, which count, what timing i have to work with. I can't play in musical ensembles without knowing all the sounds, counts, rhythms, beats etc of the other instruments including the cool ones. I know what I'm listening for and i can discern whether it's good or not. I think the fact that my taste is leff confined to a specific genre is the real reason my opinion is occassionally disregarded. I don't hold every undiscovered, newsound band in as high esteem as some and yes i do like The Used..... but guess what, they were once an undiscovered newsound band that moved into mainstream, i'm not gonna hold that against them. It's ok to keep liking them even if lots of other people do. Even if lots of other people are gay little emo's who should be squashed for tarnishing the image perfectly reputable artists. Also weird music doesnt always equal good music, that's why it's weird. Don't pretend to like it to seem artistic and left of centre, we don't need to increase the popularity of crap music with a surreal edge. Surreal is an alternate way of saying "we aren't that good, so we made it interpretive to hide the crapness- we hope you interpret it as good." I believe Picasso had a similar idea. That's proabably a bad example, being an artist in an influential time when everyone was prepared to see the unnatural as a symbol of sophistication and status. "clearly darling if you can't see what the artist is saying you do not have sophistication of mind" what he was really saying is "I'm blind and don't know what im painting....how bout you tell me what im painting". What these "artists" are really trying to tell you is "im tone deaf....you tell me how i sound"

Crap it's busy now, guess i'll wind this up here, i wasn't really going anywhere with it anyway, just passing some time....yeah good i just jinxed myself, it's gone quiet and now i'll be bored. But as i was saying....ya mum.

Sad day

Something is not quite right about these volatile mood swings. I'm considering speaking to my boss about it all. I was sad today, i waited all day for a msg that never came, one i specifically asked for to prevent the sad element of the day from occurring, or at least dulling the intensity. I wanted to go somewhere tonight, i had high hopes for the evening. As the evening drew nearer and nearer naturally there was a build up and sense of relief that i didn't have to stay at home.... a place which i have come to loathe being in some days. Then i get the news. I'm staying home tonight, no matter how bad i feel or how much i want to get out and clear my head, ive been denied access to my refuge. that stung a fair bit. i cant pass any blame or hold any resentment towards the situation. circumstances got in the way. i failed to elaborate on the desperateness of my situation. and so here i am. by myself in the dark at 12.45am wishing i could bring myself to smile. all i need now is a journal and a blunt razor to scratch myself with and you could call me a musical genius. i feel sorry for myself. im tired. im on pills that are planting seeds in my mind. i understand. it all makes sense in my head but no one else understands, not a single sole can fully comprehend, because i can't formulate words to describe my mind. im getting more and more suspicious about something lately. it's eating away at me. i hate conspiracy. the theory about telling urself something until its ur truth is my worst enemy at the moment. ive questioned something that has surfaced in my mind lately so much that its developed into an agonising prediction of something terrible that could happen in the future. im so vague tonight. no names, no words, no hints or tricks for ne one to misinterpret if they stumble upon this. just my head. the way i understand it. im too intense. people are intolerant of that. people run from that. it pisses me off. im not intense.... i just wanna be able to say things that i feel sometimes and not be told to stop or that im wrong or have what i say completely brushed off as though its nothing or as though its a burden. when that happens i just bottle everything up. too afraid to say what i think or feel coz i dont want it to be squashed as soon as i say it. i bottle it to the point that when i do come out and share it, theres so much intensity in it that it's just melodramatic and almost meaningless. i want everyone to adopt my new years resolution and stop being satisfied with mediocre. no one is motivated, or organised. no one follows through with ne thing. people make themselves their number one priority, not out of selfishness but out of ignorance. some people dont see how much others do for them, they dont see the effect they have on other peoples lives and forget to take the time to appreciate that. i know im not unappreciated, but it would be nice to have someone other than myself reassure me of that, do something to prove it. im hurt. i think i leave myself too open to be hurt. id do almost anything for most of the people in my life (if ur in my life ur important ok). i dont expect much back, in fact im very grateful for evrything i do get back sometimes. i want more. but i think instead ill just do less. the less i do for people, the less ill expect in return, that way i wont be as disappointed.... im kidding myself. i couldnt do less. fuck! i stop myself from doing more! i need a more demanding job, more of a routine, more chores at home....something to channel some of my energy towards. with all this spare time lately i contemplate too much and think too much about people. this is all stupid. why do i write these things? they are so sporadic, the thoughts are there momentarily and then almost as soon as i type them they dissipate an the emotion behind them fades completely. i guess thats the concept of venting. once its out its over with and my head doesn't have to dwell on it or treat it as a burden ne longer. i hate that people can read these things. makes it so less personal and makes me so much more self conscious at the end when im about to hit publish..... i need to go back to my good old fashioned diary. i wonder if ne one i cried to tonight will check on me tomorrow. i would check on them....here we go again.