Sad day

Something is not quite right about these volatile mood swings. I'm considering speaking to my boss about it all. I was sad today, i waited all day for a msg that never came, one i specifically asked for to prevent the sad element of the day from occurring, or at least dulling the intensity. I wanted to go somewhere tonight, i had high hopes for the evening. As the evening drew nearer and nearer naturally there was a build up and sense of relief that i didn't have to stay at home.... a place which i have come to loathe being in some days. Then i get the news. I'm staying home tonight, no matter how bad i feel or how much i want to get out and clear my head, ive been denied access to my refuge. that stung a fair bit. i cant pass any blame or hold any resentment towards the situation. circumstances got in the way. i failed to elaborate on the desperateness of my situation. and so here i am. by myself in the dark at 12.45am wishing i could bring myself to smile. all i need now is a journal and a blunt razor to scratch myself with and you could call me a musical genius. i feel sorry for myself. im tired. im on pills that are planting seeds in my mind. i understand. it all makes sense in my head but no one else understands, not a single sole can fully comprehend, because i can't formulate words to describe my mind. im getting more and more suspicious about something lately. it's eating away at me. i hate conspiracy. the theory about telling urself something until its ur truth is my worst enemy at the moment. ive questioned something that has surfaced in my mind lately so much that its developed into an agonising prediction of something terrible that could happen in the future. im so vague tonight. no names, no words, no hints or tricks for ne one to misinterpret if they stumble upon this. just my head. the way i understand it. im too intense. people are intolerant of that. people run from that. it pisses me off. im not intense.... i just wanna be able to say things that i feel sometimes and not be told to stop or that im wrong or have what i say completely brushed off as though its nothing or as though its a burden. when that happens i just bottle everything up. too afraid to say what i think or feel coz i dont want it to be squashed as soon as i say it. i bottle it to the point that when i do come out and share it, theres so much intensity in it that it's just melodramatic and almost meaningless. i want everyone to adopt my new years resolution and stop being satisfied with mediocre. no one is motivated, or organised. no one follows through with ne thing. people make themselves their number one priority, not out of selfishness but out of ignorance. some people dont see how much others do for them, they dont see the effect they have on other peoples lives and forget to take the time to appreciate that. i know im not unappreciated, but it would be nice to have someone other than myself reassure me of that, do something to prove it. im hurt. i think i leave myself too open to be hurt. id do almost anything for most of the people in my life (if ur in my life ur important ok). i dont expect much back, in fact im very grateful for evrything i do get back sometimes. i want more. but i think instead ill just do less. the less i do for people, the less ill expect in return, that way i wont be as disappointed.... im kidding myself. i couldnt do less. fuck! i stop myself from doing more! i need a more demanding job, more of a routine, more chores at home....something to channel some of my energy towards. with all this spare time lately i contemplate too much and think too much about people. this is all stupid. why do i write these things? they are so sporadic, the thoughts are there momentarily and then almost as soon as i type them they dissipate an the emotion behind them fades completely. i guess thats the concept of venting. once its out its over with and my head doesn't have to dwell on it or treat it as a burden ne longer. i hate that people can read these things. makes it so less personal and makes me so much more self conscious at the end when im about to hit publish..... i need to go back to my good old fashioned diary. i wonder if ne one i cried to tonight will check on me tomorrow. i would check on them....here we go again.