The only thing worse than not knowing...

is you thinking that i don't know. gaaah im going quietly crazy. Fallout Boy have a very good point to be made in 7 Minutes in Heaven..... i don't do too well on my own.

Now back to the task at hand...

Back to work today. It's the biggest thrill of my life sitting behind this desk. I get to look at paper, move folders around, use stamps, fight with the computer, use the phone...i can't understand what half the patients are saying but its communication with the outside world....i find myself holding back from enquiring "so what are you doing today? wanna come down to the waiting room and have a coffee?". Yes my job is without a doubt the adrenaline rush of a lifetime.

Actually that's a lie.

My job doesn't exactly work in with my New Year resolution so i have been making ammendments to my resume and preparing to get out there and do the job hunt for a second means of income. Considering im only in the surgery one day a week theres no real point quitting, im part of the family down here almost coz ive worked for the same boss in three different jobs since i was 14. I dont mind staying on once a week, plus she gives me extra work when i need fast cash.

I find out my uni offers on Wednesday. Im pretty nervous. If i don't get into my course I'm gonna be pretty much devastated. I just hope either way i have someone to celebrate with or mourn with when the fateful day arrives. No doubt the evening will be full of msn *bleep bleep* "so how many offers did u get?". A pretty daunting thought if i dont get what i want.

Im sposed to be going out tonight i just realised. Man! Like i wanna do that! I've been so lethargic and anti social lately. I actually looked forward to coming to work today just to get out of the house and be around people and hopefully put myself in a better mood than i've been in of late. Yet i soon pointed out to myself that it wasn't going to happen as i snubbed the first patient who was, in retrospect, probably trying to assist me and make my morning a little less complicated. He wasn't to know i was having a complex over the computer and was ready to throw a chair at it. I swear the number of different codes, passwords and forever changing data procedures on this machine is enough to keep me suitably clueless every Saturday.

I constantly get asked "are you new here?" (not because i'm hopeless but because i'm only here one day a week), to which i reply "no, i've actually been here 2 years....(but im much better looking than you remember)" however, on the long stressful days i grin and humour their theory saying "yeah you'll just have to bear with me" and then proceed to take my sweet arse time with everything. On the other hand if i am in a mood similar to that of today's and the patient insists they have never seen me before i feel like questioning how often they come down with ameobic dysentry and whether they plan to make our Saturday morning dates a common occurrence. Seriously, it's not that shocking if their is a new secretary since your last visit. Maybe that means your healthy. I'd be concerned if the patients were my chum bums.....it would indicate to me that maybe they are going to die soon.

I've had too much time off. I'm struggling to remember how to do things. I had such a sweet handle on it before. I kicked arse. Now i'm poo....but no one here has to know that, i just blame the machine :p "sorry one moment the computer doesn't want to co operate......(where the fuck is the billing tab.....hrmm that could be it......nope) .....haha don't you just hate technology sometimes".

I think my evil sarcastic attitude is where my sense of humour hides. Reading over this blog i've had quite the little gigle at myself. That's pretty tragic i know (or "trag" as my 50 something year old boss likes to say) but you know what? I've never cared whether i make you laugh ne way, i amuse myself for the sake of my own sanity...and fulfillment of life...and ...shit. Anyways whatev! You did it with an alsation!

My shoes are hurting my feet and a patient just walked out backwards looking at me really weird....psycho. Diseased folk are a worry. Gah gross! Last mouthful of tea was stone cold as well...gotta hate that. I shall return to this blog momentarily, the boss requires a refill of coffee....addict. *Brief waiting period- cue classical music- or in this case the musical delights of today fm- Bon Jovi yesssssss* Ok i'm back. Sorry for putting you through that agony.

Things are so quiet on a Saturday morning. I guess I should use the time to file crap but seriously, i put things away when they arrive, i don't stick it in a folder for someone else to do so i don't see how it should be up to me to put it all away. Then again technically i'm their "junior" which is bollocks coz im 18 but they are all 50 something so i guess they dont see it the same way i do.

This blog is turning into a running commentary of my morning. As an aside my literacy skills are becoming appalling. Once there was a time that i could spell any word you threw at me. But now I make the most common and ridiculous spelling and grammatical errors! I feel so gay! I need to go back to an educational institute and do some real work. I feel like its been a long time since i sat down and did some real writing and produced an item of sophistication and flair. Keeping these blogs is keeping my brain active in that area though and whilst its all fairly colloquial and casual, i like to create pieces that other people will reap some enjoyment from also. Not so much in these entries coz i write whatever the fuck i want knowing i can for the time being until people find these posts. That's when the entertaining begins again.

I wouldn't mind a job in journalism or some form of media communication. I often feel as though my opinions of things im interested....well actually i more or less only feel this way about my opinion of music...... i think i have good taste. Everyone used to come to me in highschool for the gig guide and for musical reccomendations and the other musos at school used to have those elite musical criticism debates with me- you know the ones that only someone who supposedly knew what they were talking about was worthy of taking part in.

I find the musos i affiliate with these days have a somewhat higher opinion of their own musical knowledge and my opinions whilst appreciated to a certain degree are generally treated as.... an outsiders opinion?..... that's prolly not the best way to describe but what i mean is because i don't play an instrument...well a cool instrument..... i can't fully appreciate all aspects of the music. I'm a dancer AND an instrumentalist of the finer more classical variety. I have no choice but to know my shit otherwise i'd pretty much suck at both. I can't dance without knowing which rhythm, which count, what timing i have to work with. I can't play in musical ensembles without knowing all the sounds, counts, rhythms, beats etc of the other instruments including the cool ones. I know what I'm listening for and i can discern whether it's good or not. I think the fact that my taste is leff confined to a specific genre is the real reason my opinion is occassionally disregarded. I don't hold every undiscovered, newsound band in as high esteem as some and yes i do like The Used..... but guess what, they were once an undiscovered newsound band that moved into mainstream, i'm not gonna hold that against them. It's ok to keep liking them even if lots of other people do. Even if lots of other people are gay little emo's who should be squashed for tarnishing the image perfectly reputable artists. Also weird music doesnt always equal good music, that's why it's weird. Don't pretend to like it to seem artistic and left of centre, we don't need to increase the popularity of crap music with a surreal edge. Surreal is an alternate way of saying "we aren't that good, so we made it interpretive to hide the crapness- we hope you interpret it as good." I believe Picasso had a similar idea. That's proabably a bad example, being an artist in an influential time when everyone was prepared to see the unnatural as a symbol of sophistication and status. "clearly darling if you can't see what the artist is saying you do not have sophistication of mind" what he was really saying is "I'm blind and don't know what im painting....how bout you tell me what im painting". What these "artists" are really trying to tell you is "im tone deaf....you tell me how i sound"

Crap it's busy now, guess i'll wind this up here, i wasn't really going anywhere with it anyway, just passing some time....yeah good i just jinxed myself, it's gone quiet and now i'll be bored. But as i was saying....ya mum.

Sad day

Something is not quite right about these volatile mood swings. I'm considering speaking to my boss about it all. I was sad today, i waited all day for a msg that never came, one i specifically asked for to prevent the sad element of the day from occurring, or at least dulling the intensity. I wanted to go somewhere tonight, i had high hopes for the evening. As the evening drew nearer and nearer naturally there was a build up and sense of relief that i didn't have to stay at home.... a place which i have come to loathe being in some days. Then i get the news. I'm staying home tonight, no matter how bad i feel or how much i want to get out and clear my head, ive been denied access to my refuge. that stung a fair bit. i cant pass any blame or hold any resentment towards the situation. circumstances got in the way. i failed to elaborate on the desperateness of my situation. and so here i am. by myself in the dark at 12.45am wishing i could bring myself to smile. all i need now is a journal and a blunt razor to scratch myself with and you could call me a musical genius. i feel sorry for myself. im tired. im on pills that are planting seeds in my mind. i understand. it all makes sense in my head but no one else understands, not a single sole can fully comprehend, because i can't formulate words to describe my mind. im getting more and more suspicious about something lately. it's eating away at me. i hate conspiracy. the theory about telling urself something until its ur truth is my worst enemy at the moment. ive questioned something that has surfaced in my mind lately so much that its developed into an agonising prediction of something terrible that could happen in the future. im so vague tonight. no names, no words, no hints or tricks for ne one to misinterpret if they stumble upon this. just my head. the way i understand it. im too intense. people are intolerant of that. people run from that. it pisses me off. im not intense.... i just wanna be able to say things that i feel sometimes and not be told to stop or that im wrong or have what i say completely brushed off as though its nothing or as though its a burden. when that happens i just bottle everything up. too afraid to say what i think or feel coz i dont want it to be squashed as soon as i say it. i bottle it to the point that when i do come out and share it, theres so much intensity in it that it's just melodramatic and almost meaningless. i want everyone to adopt my new years resolution and stop being satisfied with mediocre. no one is motivated, or organised. no one follows through with ne thing. people make themselves their number one priority, not out of selfishness but out of ignorance. some people dont see how much others do for them, they dont see the effect they have on other peoples lives and forget to take the time to appreciate that. i know im not unappreciated, but it would be nice to have someone other than myself reassure me of that, do something to prove it. im hurt. i think i leave myself too open to be hurt. id do almost anything for most of the people in my life (if ur in my life ur important ok). i dont expect much back, in fact im very grateful for evrything i do get back sometimes. i want more. but i think instead ill just do less. the less i do for people, the less ill expect in return, that way i wont be as disappointed.... im kidding myself. i couldnt do less. fuck! i stop myself from doing more! i need a more demanding job, more of a routine, more chores at home....something to channel some of my energy towards. with all this spare time lately i contemplate too much and think too much about people. this is all stupid. why do i write these things? they are so sporadic, the thoughts are there momentarily and then almost as soon as i type them they dissipate an the emotion behind them fades completely. i guess thats the concept of venting. once its out its over with and my head doesn't have to dwell on it or treat it as a burden ne longer. i hate that people can read these things. makes it so less personal and makes me so much more self conscious at the end when im about to hit publish..... i need to go back to my good old fashioned diary. i wonder if ne one i cried to tonight will check on me tomorrow. i would check on them....here we go again.

wow

wat started out as a little insignificant forethought turned into a rather superfulous hippie rant hehehe- i should be the new spokesperson for the life, be in it campaign!

tic toc tic toc

im considering removing my name from my profile so people will never know this is me.... then i could say whatever about whoever, whenever and use code names. it's a brilliant plan. i wonder how long before someone finds this new secret little blog of mine hehe. i could have some fun in here......the word fun is open to interpretation too. my sick twisted definitions of fun could involve severe temper tantrums, emo-sexual analysis of my life and then downright idiotic rambling that im reknowned and loved for. whatever it may be it is mine. if this blog remains uncovered for a while i think people who eventually stumble across it might hardly believe their eyes. "surely this isn't sam.... this isn't her style of writing.... this couldn't be a side i've never seen?"..... ooooh but it could. i was upstairs reading a book i got for christmas today and i swear i have a stalker. this book is like a replica of the last 12 months of my life, its SURREAL! in any case while i was reading i was contemplating the concept of comfort zones. i quite freely walk around my house doing and saying just about ne thing i please. i am so within my comfort zone with the three other people under this roof that i am 100% myself to every extent. im beginning to feel a closeness with friends of mine that never used to be there lately. a comfort zone where i can be mroe myself. it's only one or two friends but it's really cool that we are becoming a mini little family. ive also noticed how much more laid back with my bf i am. you would think after a year in a relationship with him i would have dropped a few guards and i think in the last few weeks i have. Ive felt myself shed a few skins with people and finally be in a more relaxed and comfortable place. i did a big clean up of my room this week and tossed a bunch of shit ive been holding onto for years. it feels like ive let go of a phase of my life and i feel like im starting to grow up again and move into a new more mature and well rounded phase. i find myself overcoming all the desperate searching and needing and utter confusion of adolescence and im finally happy in my own skin. whilst im bored sitting around at home by myself, im not unhappy and craving the attention of another person. im content in my own company and equally content in the company of all the people in my life. i used to segregate people into levels of importance and issue them with a certain amount of time, interest, affection etc. but now it seems much more evenly weighted. whilst naturally their will always be a heirarchy of important people and some will hold more significance than others i think ive finally reached a stage where i can chill and prioritise rationally and integrate my lifestyle with the lifestyles of everyone i want in my life. it's a good feeling. in fact for the hell of it to give myself a little self esteem boost im gonna list all the things in my life that make me happy- music first and formost has pulled me through this year on levels that people can't, my bf has been the light of my life this year and even tho relationship problems have caused me some of my darkest moments this year we persevered and came out the other side all the better, i cant wait to share thousands more moments with him, my best friend micky- he has stuck by my side through every single thing this year, he jumped straight in to replace the loss of leesa, he was the first to know when something was wrong, first to help me with ne thing i needed often without even needing to be asked and never abandoned me, judged me or thought ne less of me for ne thing i did no matter how stupid it was, my family- as much as they shit me up the wall they have been there when i needed them, ive distanced myself from my family a lot this year but when it comes to the crunch they are never ever gonna let me down, they know me well enough to predict everything i do and know exactly whats wrong with me before i open my mouth, my dogs- they are the cutest sweetest fluffiest most comforting creatures on earth, they are my living teddy bears that come to the rescue whenever i need them, they cant speak but i know what they would say and they cant understand my words but they know what im saying, graduating this year has made me a new person, i have never experienced so many emotions, so many tyrannous hurdles needed to be overcame and built and shaped me into a person who i think i like, my car was the key to my freedom and taught me to look after myself in many areas of life, and finally my dancing- the classes i do, the beautiful children i teach, it bring a certain joy to my life and fills me with a kind of passion and love that im so grateful for. the fun times i have had with my students and the new things ive learnt, challenged myself with and extended myself with and talents that i couldnt be more proud of, i hope with all my heart that i have a long life of dancing ahead of me, it is my ultimate means of self expression. i love my life. i cant wait to share it with you all xoxox

I did this for Chris

Yes, that's right, i set up this account for no other purpose than to post comments on my friends blog. I think the world of blog is on the verge of taking over the interweb and as i currently have no life i am willing to take part in it. I do have to clean my room however, so this blog ends here. Goodfry.